Pageant Boys
by PinkMoonRising
Summary: The Host Club goes on a vacation to Boston! And what more is there to do for Hikaru and Kaoru-but join a male beauty pageant! Twin telepathy, a rambling Kyoya, an ever sexual Tamaki, and why is Mori acting so weird? T for crude humor and plain ol' sexual akwardness!


We sat snuggly in our plane seats. Besides an ever grouchy, newly pregnant Haruhi who sat between Hikaru and I. She kept shaking her fists at the attendees and throwing her weight around about everything. Like when we were going to get there. The plane hasn't even taken off yet. Stupid girl.

But all will be doodly dandy once we get to Boston. Tamaki had begged his father to let us all have a nice two weeks off to fly to America, get drunk, do some drugs, and get some baby making done. He said it was fine as long as we brought back a bag of peanuts from the plane ride for him. Small price to pay for smokin' some weed. Although, it seems to me Haruhi won't have to worry about getting a bun in her oven-She's already gone and done that!

She and Tamaki announced it during club a couple of weeks ago. Hikaru went into a coma for five days straight. I guess it was just too much for him to find out his lady love had gone and gotten herself knocked up by the lead character. Because this wasn't at all expected, you know, since Tamaki's her love interest and from day one everyone knew they were meant to be together. Nope, not expected at all. After the big announcement and Hunny declaring that he too was pregnant and Mori then telling him he wasn't, he had only gained weight from all the cake he shoved in his body, Haruhi made a point of telling me in a low voice that she really didn't know who the father was, she just chose Tamaki because he has the most money out of all of her sex partners.

It made complete sense. I'm trying my hand at being a gold-digger, too! First target; Kyoya Ohtori.

Anyways, I'm honestly excited for this trip. Since America is our destination, I figure that this would be the perfect time to try out my Super Sexy Valley Girl American Persona (SSVGAP). I never have an excuse to use it here in Japan. People would think I was just weird. So I've decided I will give it my all to fitting in with the other Americans! Meaning I will dress like one, act like one, talk like one, and start a third political party! No one will stop this from being the most amazing vacation ever. Not even that hormonal wench beside me.

"When will this plane take off? I don't even want to be here! I just want to go home and study, study like it's the end of the world! I love to study! It's my life, my survival! Nag, nag, nag! Blah blah blah!" Haruhi shouted, flailing around in her seat.

That's just like her to complain when we're doing something fun. What a hoe.

I saw Kyoya, sitting next to Tamaki across the aisle from us, lean forward and poke the passenger in front of him. "Now I'm not saying she's a slut," he told the guy while pointing a completely inconspicuous finger at Haruhi, "but if you kicked her in the sex hole, you'd lose a shoe."

The passenger looked quite sympathetic. I, on the other hand, busted a gut laughing. "Oooh, Kyoya! Good one!"

"What're you laughing at? I was talking about you."

I quickly stopped laughing and slouched into my seat, feeling extremely hurt.

"Buckles, bitches! We're flying this thing westward!" Came a rather gayish voice over the intercom.

Are we even _going _west?

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(HikaPOV)

The plane ride was excruciatingly long! The whole time Kyoya made snarky comments about everyone to his notebook, Tamaki organized his bottle cap collection, Hunny gave Mori a sensual massage, Haruhi griped and acted pregnant, and Kaoru rehearsed his American persona to himself with a script and all. I just watched them. Especially Haruhi. She seemed unrested and distressed but I guess that just comes with being preggers, yeah?

_God, I wish she was carrying my pigeon!_

Kaoru abruptly stopped his rehearsal, his head snapping up in my direction. He sent me a glare.

_Oh mah gawd, Hika. It's, like, a baby not a pigeon! A BABY! You're such a tard._

I frowned feeling slightly disoriented from the nailpolish fumes wafting our way. Tamaki had given up on organizing his guilty pleasure and started painting his toenails a lovely sunset orange.

_Um, Kaoru? Why're you talking like that? We're having a perfectly normal telepathic twin conversation, you don't need to talk like that in here._

He rolled his eyes and put his script back into his coat pocket. _Dude, if I want to be fully converted to the American ways, I have to do everything like one. That, like, totally includes thinking like one._

_. . . I'm sad!D;_

Yes, our telepathic powers are so powerful that I can send emoticons.

_I _know _you is sad,_ Oh! Now he's a sassy black girl?_. But get, like, over it! She's having his baby! . . . Well, we're not entirely sure that it's his baby . . . But we know there _is _a kid!_

I felt myself sinking into depression again. I wish I could have stayed in a coma longer. That was blissful. I had felt like a multicolored butterfly sinking slowly into a comforting warm bath . . . And then I woke up to Kaoru doing the running man while our maids gave him a beat by beat boxing. The comfy warm feeling had went away immediately.

A thought came to me suddenly, making me even more pubescently depressed at first and then made me smile towards the end. I would just write down all of my sad, melodramatic thoughts! And then I'll give them to Tamaki in hopes that they'll be so depressing that he'll commit suicide! Then _I'll _father Haruhi's child!

_What a, like, brilliant idea._

_Shut up, Kaoru! No one asked for your sarcasm! It'll work, you just wait and see!_

And thus started Hikaru's (that's me!:D) first sad journal entry.

_Dear Journal,_

_I hate my life so much. I am currently sitting in a plane (that I want to jump out of) with the now most pregnant girl in the world, Haruhi Hitachiin . . . Okay, it's Fujioka, but let me dream a little! I honestly think stabbing myself repeatedly in the knee cap with a rusty fork would be better than this! Seeing them be a happy expecting couple! Sitting on this plane for hours! And I don't even have a journal! I'm writing this on Kaoru's hand! And I'm running out of spa-_

My butt of a little brother jerked his hand away from me."Stop writing your suicidal thoughts on me!"

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When we finally landed, we got into three separate cabs and took a fifteen minute ride (that Kaoru sang Pussycat Dolls songs through the whole time) to out hotel. It was quite nice, I had to admit. Not better than the cardboard box I lived in for two weeks after Kaoru threw me out of the house because I didn't agree with his decision to quit prostitution. But it was still nice.

"Well, here we are!" A very chipper Tamaki sang, getting out of his cab, followed by an irritable Kyoya who now had unicorn stickers all over his face. That must have been one wild drive.

"Oh. My. God. I can not stay here!" Haruhi screeched and threw her bag onto the pavement with a battle cry, "I have a fear of being treated nicely! You can't take me to this classy, high quality hotel and expect me to be happy!"

Tamaki immediately rushed over to hug her and promise her that if she really wanted, we could change hotels and instead stay in a shitty one with no running water or clean towels. She refused that, too, saying we were already here so there's no point in it.

Upon walking into the hotel, we were greeted by a very perky young man with blonde pigtails. He looked like he could be Tamaki's little more unattractive and anorexic brother.

"Hi, hi! My name is _Maaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttttt !_" Wow, opera? He's so good!, "Name?"

"Uh," Kyoya gave him a look of sheer disgust, peeling the last sticker off his chin, "Kyoya Ohtori."

". . . Is there an X anywhere in that?"

"No."

"What about a P?"

"No."

"Z?"

"No."

"N?"

After we went through almost the whole alphabet, Kyoya finally flipped the hell out and grabbed up the guys computer and then threw it at the wall while roaring like Godzilla.

"Alright, fine." Matt finally huffed, "Since I no longer have a computer, I'm just going to go ahead and guess that you're in room 403, otherwise known as the Duck Room."

"Um, why do you call it that?" Honey scrunched his eyebrows together.

Heh, I never noticed it before but Honey kind of looks like a little Pomeranian. I bet he'd look even more like one if he got a perm . . . We could take him to the dog park and he'd pee on trees just like all the other dogs.

"Oh, you'll see," Matt grinned, exposing a silver tooth, "You'll all see-"

He caught off abruptly with a very girlish scream.

"What?"

Matt pointed a bejeweled finger at Mori who turned red when he looked up and realized that everyone had seen him staring at Honey's ass. "You!"

"Hm?"

"You . . ."

"Hm?"

"You . . ."

"H-"

"Oh mah gawd!" Kaoru cried, "What _about _him?"

Kaoru has so much black girl sass.:3

"He's . . . He's so . . . BEAUTIFUL!" Rainbows and puppies suddenly appeared around the blonde boy, "My dream guy! Tall, dark, handsome . . . What more could you ask for? I don't even care if he's creeping on that blonde child! He's still JUI-CAAY!"

"Oh! I have to remember that one!" Kaoru murmered to himself and pulled out a small green notepad then proceeded to write down JUI-CAAY.

Mori just stared at the boy with the pigtails whose eyes were now roaming his body shamelessly. "Uh . . ." he finally said. Mori has such a way with words.

Matt struck a dramatic pose. Maybe he _is _somehow related to Tamaki. "It's okay, you don't have to say it. You've never been with a boy before. I can so tell." His voice then dipped lower in a way that would probably make Nekozawa uncomfortable in his nether regions. Because we all know he's secretly a pervert. "But I think I can change your mind. And if you want, you're little slice of pie there can join."

"Well, actually, I prefer cake." Honey pointed out.

_I like pie . . ._

Kaoru pretended not to hear that. Or maybe he was just too deep in thought about his new-found word to listen to me.

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(KaoPOV)

It took us ten freaking minutes to get to our room because Tamaki got overly excited and pressed every button in the elevator. The whole entire ride, Haruhi complained about being there and I guess pressing all those buttons put Tamaki in the mood because he tried to coax her into having sex when we found our room. Hikaru got so angry, he popped a vessel in his forehead. Kyoya laughed at that. And Honey and Mori were just kind of there (Mori's eyes glued to Honey's ass, of course).

"Ooooh! I think that's our room!" Hikaru pointed at a storage closet.

"That's a closet, dippy."

"Kaoru's mean." He pouted and began trying to strike up another telepathic conversation with me. Which I ignored.

"Here's our room." Haruhi stated, trying to pry a very sexual Tamaki off her side.

"Great. I need a nap." Kyoya slipped the room card into the slot. The little light by the handle turning from red to green.

We all gave a cheer as the door opened and we pushed our way in, running Kyoya over in the process, to stop in our tracks as we took in the room.

"I guess we know why Matt called it the Duck Room . . ." Hikaru picked up a duck patterned throw on the couch.

Walking around the whole place, I felt more and more queasy. It looked some old woman with fifty cats named Norma who smelled heavily of baby powder and soup took up residence here. Ducks. Everywhere. Duck curtains, duck couches, duck bedspreads, duck shower curtain, even patterns of happy little ducks riding bikes were printed on the toilet paper!

"I'm suddenly hungry for duck . . . I can't figure out why." Hikaru plopped down on one of the bird covered beds and started drooling.

"Why're you drooling, monkey?" Haruhi snapped at him, flinging open her suitcase and taking out ten textbooks and a chalupa.

"Because I was thinking about duck, you mean pregnant raccoon dog!"

"Hehe!" Kyoya gave an uncharacteristic tired giggle from one of the couches he had flopped onto, "You know what rhymes with duck? F-"

"Scream!" Honey scream. "Where is he?"

"Who?" A whole bunch of chalupa fell out of Haruhi's mouth and onto the little ducky carpet.

"Usa, of course! I put him in _this _bag! _This _bag!"

Haruhi began doing her pre-study warm up squats. "Maybe you left him at the airport?"

Honey grabbed his hair and gave it a tug, letting out a wail of anger. "I can't believe this! He's missing! How am I ever going to-"

He abruptly cut off, slapping a small hand to his mouth. I looked up to see Mori suddenly seeming quite nervous. His forehead was like a waterfall. Man, did he have to go to the bathroom or something? Was he holding it because he didn't want to abandon his cousin in his darkest hour or because the duck toilet paper intimidated him? Probably the second one.

_Twinkle twinkle little star . . . blah blah blah . . .what you are!_

What in the hell?

I turned a sharp stare onto my brother who was watching Haruhi doing a sort of back bend on her pink exercise ball. This girl is serious about studying, I swear. Apparently her blonde baby daddy took her position as some sort of invitation for sex. The feisty preggers pushed him onto the floor where he then began to cry. Horndog.

"USSSSSSSSSSA!"

I gave the smaller boy a sympathetic look. "It's chill Honey! I'm posi Usa-chan is fine! Why don't we go back to the airport and search for him, kk?"

Tears welded in his big brown eyes as he nodded.

_Posi?_

_It's short for positive, you little shit!_

_KAO'S MEAN!_

_And you're dumb. How 'bout you just go back to singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. You're like so pro at childish things._

My brother then began another round of Twinkle Twinkle. Maybe it was a good thing I was leaving with Honey. I don't think I could bare one more second in this duck sanctuary. And frankly I have no idea how long it will be before Tamaki explodes from physical contact withdrawl. I feel so bad for Haruhi.

"Welp! We'll see you bitches later! Bye huuuuuunnnnnzzzz!" My American-ness is so outstanding!

" . . . I like ducks."

"Shut up, Tamaki!"

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_And finished!_

_Pfft, yeah so that was chapter one! This story is so stupid. I laughed like a nerd typing it up, though. Well, I hope it made you smile! This probably won't be too long of a story . . . But I don't know._

_And now, here is a little tid bit from what you'll find in chapter two! Enjoy the stupidity:D_

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"That's so marmalade!"

I winced as Kyoya ripped off another strip of leg hair before giving my little brother a quizzical look. "Uh . . . Marmalade?"

"Yeah, y'know, like awkward? That's American, yo."

I poked the newly reddened skin on my leg, watching it turn white where it was poked and slowly turn back to an irritated pink. "I don't think Americans say that . . ."

I heard Hunny whisper urgently to Mori. "Marmalade? Marmalade?! Does that go on cakes? Do they make marmalade cakes? Cake! Cake! CAKE!" he then began to seizure from lack of cake (he had eaten the whole supply he brought with him earlier this morning). Mori then picked him up and dashed from the room, giving us all one last disapproving look for being less than somewhat concerned.

"Well, I know _that_." Kaoru rolled his eyes and picked at his manicure nails, going all Valley Girl on me and pretending we didn't just see a midget start convulsing on the love seat, "I'm trying to set a new trend. And I thought marmalade would be the perfect word because it's just soooooooo awkward."

"How so?" Tamaki asked from the sofa where he held a very disgruntled Haruhi in a tight embrace and stroked her head like a small bunny rabbit.

"marmalade sounds like the name of a stripper, shyeah? And with that, like, in mind, how odd does this sound; "Do ya want a little marmalade on your toast?" he croaked the last question like an old man in a wheel chair.

There was a murmur of agreement in the room from everyone including Haruhi who was now being forced to eat a carrot by a very lustful looking Tamaki. He's developed a fetish for bunnies ever since that uncomfortable moment we walked into Haruhi's house (without knocking as usual) and found her dressed in a purple bunny suit playing Scrabble with the old man two apartments over who seemed hopelessly lost and under the impression he was the incarnate of Cleopatra.

Now Tamaki spends his nights applying rabbit make up to Haruhi's face as she sleeps and attempts, without much success, to keep her in a cage and feed her lettuce and other assorted fresh vegetables

"Yeah, I guess I see what you're sayin' there, Mr. Cuddles. It's all in the beans as the rednecks would say. But I have to disagree, I'm more of a 'cow-eats-the-pony-and-gets-nothing-in-return' kind of guy, eh? I mean, if a steak don't wanna bake then why you broilin' it? Psshht, the diggers are speaking some mad smack there. Ain't no hesitating, deliberating, no shakey shake shaking. Ya dig?"

Everyone turned to stare at a now very thuggish Kyoya who had twitched and made those weird arm movements rappers always make while performing through his whole . . . speech? . . . rant? . . . cure for cancer? No one knew quite what to say. The whole room stayed quiet besides the small crunching noises from Haruhi as she ate her veggies.

Kaoru interrupted the silence with a loud slurp of his iced double mocha chai soy low cal Herbal Essences latte and sung out a singy; "Totes marmalade . . ."

No one spoke to Kyoya for the rest of the day. I wouldn't even let him finish waxing my legs. I made an unhappy Tama do it after he managed to stuff a wriggling Haruhi into a cage in the corner of the livingroom. He was getting good at putting her in there. Real good.

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_And there's the teaser for chapter two!:) Ah, marmalade . . . Imma start saying that._

_REVIEW!_


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